the last day of 2007

it is with mixed emotions when i think of 2007
of all that has happened, and all that didn’t
this reflection is somewhat tough
what with so much that went on in these 365 days
(plus the fact that the memory is not what it used to be )

2007 has tested me in many ways
both in my professional and personal lives
i survived…though not totally unscathed
but i’m good

i won’t call my downtime in 2007 ’fucked up’ like some people would
can’t bring myself to such level of crudeness and pessimism
in fact, those downtime moments only made me stronger
and hopefully more humble (this is a difficult virtue i try hard at)
what doesn’t break you, makes you stronger, eh

i hope that 2008 brings forth a renewed sense of peace
for me, my loved ones, and the world at large
i hope we all learn to be just a little more tolerant with one another
that we learn what it means to be magnanimous

war, crime, injustice…they will continue
but we could all do our little part
to make those lives around us
just that little bit more enriching and meaningful
and hopefully
that ‘little bit’ we do
goes a long long way

see you next year, folks

God bless us all. Amen.

sweet morning…again…

he aint working (but i am)
but still he lugs his sleepy self off our bed
gives me a kiss
proceeds to the kitchen
boils water
makes me soft-boiled eggs for breakfast
(he ironed my clothes the nite before )
feeds me the eggs
kisses me goodbye
before goin off to dreamland again

it’s amazing…

how people can be so ‘me! me! me!’ oriented
when people in some countries
are dealing with poverty, terrorism, oppression…
(the list goes on)

how wearing designer labels
and adding up their ‘friends list’
takes precedence
over gentle manners and social graces

that there are people who are so shallow and superficial.

christmas eve

was lying in bed with him
we were discussing his financial health
currently, it’s pretty depressing to him
he then fell asleep

i continued to stay awake
thinking of my own financial health
it definitely could be better
was thinking of how i could make it better
thoughts then went to how i lived in those few dark months
just after my breakup from my 10 yr relationship
memories and the emotions all came flooding back

i’ve not gone through this ‘blast from the past’ before
maybe they’re suppressed memories and pain
a defence mechanism to help me cope and heal
i guess if i could have these memories back
it means that i’m on the road to recovery
and that i can deal with them
or better still..it means that i have already recovered

i even understood why i went through what i went through
and i even appreciated the lessons learnt
wow…EQ lessons at 2am

but above all these
morning came
and i woke up full of gratitude
grateful that i went through what i did
for the lessons learnt
for my current renewed life
for my current blessings

christmas is indeed around the corner
He just needed me to wake up and realise it

i do now.

your mind is as wide as u read

was goin thru some blogs
…well, actually a LOT of blogs
and tho most are quite crappy
the ones that caught my attention were ‘interesting’
(to say the least)

i hardly have the time to browse the net, much less blogs
so, i’ve stuck to the few i knew
and boy, do they pale in comparison

i gotta start reading more
make the time
ya know, open up the mind

ho hums and la di dums

conversation over tea…

mere male..
hey, u’re 23 yrs old, right?

me..
(eyes rolling)
what??
what makes u say that?

mere male..
i don’t know. u look 23.
okaaay, u’re 23/24.

me..
(rolling eyes again)
yea..

to myself..
yea right…mere male comment

i’m not 23/24. i’d take that as a compliment but no, i don’t wish to turn back the hands of time and be 23/24 again. i’m grateful i am where i am. older, wiser, experienced.

looking at the current 23/24 yr olds makes me wonder, “whoa, where did the generation gap begin?”. alright, i’m not gonna generalise so i’m gonna talk about the 23/24 yr olds i know and state that the ones i know are brash, vulgar, temperamental..in short, they’re attention seekers. it’s most likely that the group of 23/24 yr olds i know are all like that. i try to have faith though, that there are still very decent, intelligent and refined young individuals out there too (for the sake of our nation, i do hope so).

i guess i was brash and temperamental (never vulgar) at one point in time. i also know that i’ve now mellowed and do think through things and consequences before making a decision. i don’t allow my temper to get the better of me at every petty irritant. i’ve learnt there are ways to get what u want, and how u want it to be. and that u don’t have to bulldoze urself through and be a bitch to do that. diplomacy is the name of the game. ppl appreciate courtesy. eventhough u know that u are so right, and they are making the biggest mistake of their life, it doesn’t hurt to be courteous. ppl make mistakes, and ppl usually don’t like their mistakes pointed out, much less get heat from it. one will get more progress if one isn’t behaving like a bitch.

when i hear about these 23/24 ppl deciding what designer label to patronise…”oh the choices. what to choose? quality? design? what’s cool?”, i find all that silliness quite amusing. i never was like that before, and i know i could never gonna be like that. it’s just too materialistic and superficial for me. i’d rather spend my hard-earned money on something else…like a holiday, a course, a cause, a play, a concert and etc. my rationale is simple. nothing beats experiencing life. i don’t know how one gets to live a fulfilling life thinking of what designer labels to carry. i couldn’t live with a tunneled vision like that.

oh well, if u’re a 23/24 yr old and u’re reading this. i’d be grateful if u could prove me wrong and reinstate my faith in the younger generation.

the sweetest thing

he isn’t a morning person
it’s easier coaxing a hungry baby to sleep than trying to wake him up
(alright i’m exaggerating, but u get my drift)
but i’ve learnt to get him to wake up immediately

nite before…
me : i’m working tmw. do u wanna send me to work and hv bfast?
bf : mm ok.
me : if u don’t want bfast, i’ll go to work, then wake u up for lunch.
bf : it’s ok, i’ll send u.
me : ok then.

morn after…
i woke up and got myself ready for work
he was peacefully asleep so i didn’t wanna wake him
thot i’d let him sleep thru and wake him up for lunch
the final stage of getting ready, before i walk out of the door, is to blow dry my hair
as soon as the humming of the hair dryer stopped
he immediately got off the bed
dressed up
splashed water on his face

i can’t put down in words how i felt that moment

we stopped to buy bfast
i told the cashier to pack em in two bags
went to the car, he saw the two bags
….”i thot i was gonna hv bfast with u”
i replied, “u mean, at my office?”
looking all doe-eyed, “u donwanna hv bfast with me?”
i just gave him an incredulous stare

sweet start for the day

utter hogwash

i think you’re so so vile

pretending to be kind
pretending that you cared
when in actual fact
you betrayed him
with your words
and your actions
in fact, not just him
but both of them
they definitely deserve better

a WHOLE DAMN LOT better.

and so…

and so the ex calls me
confirms the name of the woman he’s dating
same person some people told me he was seeing
while dating me

he tries to tell his version of events
claims that nothing happened
(don’t they always?)
that they just started dating a couple of months back
(we broke up last year)
but i’ve moved on to better things
better guy
(i don’t care if i’m not supposed to compare boyfriends)

although i’m in love with someone new
someone i wouldn’t swap for the world
the thought of the possibility of being cheated upon by my ex
gets to me
how could it not?
the thought of being betrayed by someone you trusted for a decade
upsets your belief in men
one becomes highly suspicious of everything and anything men do
and that’s just not the way to live

i have battled the demon of suspicion
but i am wary
it is difficult though
trying to strike a balance between having faith
and being careful

and so
i’d just like to say
if you think you know someone well enough
think again

food for thought.

what does it mean?

i had a dream
a vivid one

my grandma was trying to wake me up
i was cranky coz i didn’t wanna wake up
but i did

walked out to my closet-room
found my clothes missing
only the bed, shelf, and ironing board was left

so i walked to a bedroom-turned-storeroom
still looking for my clothes
it was now tidy and had more floor space
it also had a crystal-like 12-seater dining table
and my 4/5-seater dining table was also there

i walked to the dining room
and saw another 12-seater dining table
i imagined it to be made of rosewood

then my grandma tells me
“your uncle is moving house in march”
(march, to me, in the dream was that day or the next)

then i said to my grandma
“does my mom know about this?”
then she disappears

my grandma passed away early this year.